Ask Andronica! Happy Valentine’s Day (Massacre)

Happy Valentine’s Day and welcome to my first column here on! In the time-honoured tradition of ‘Dear Abby’, both humans and werewolves alike can seek advice on dealing with the common problems of everyday lycanthropic living. Whether it’s about relationships (safe sex with werewolves), etiquette (table manners when eating humans), or even medical problems (premature transformation), many centuries of experience in lycanthropy have given me insights on nearly every topic. No question is too tough, so ask away! Submit your queries in care of

I’ve chosen Valentine’s Day to start my column, because it’s a very special holiday for me. This year marks the 265th anniversary of the infamous St Valentine’s Day Massacre in London, which I committed on this date in 1749. In case you’re not familiar with it, here’s the original newspaper clipping from the London Evening Post:

On the night of Tuesday, the Fourteenth of February, there took place in a Publick-House near-by to Ludgate a most frightful Murder, in which nine Persons were brutally massacred and dismembered. Due to the horrific Nature of this Crime, the Magistrate of Westminster, the Honourable Henry Fielding, has stated his intention to conduct an Investigation personally.

Attention was called to the Incident by a Customer of the aforesaid Establishment, who upon waking from his Drunkenness, discover’d the Head of the Tavern-Keeper upon the floor. Following a Trail of Blood to the rear of the House and into the Cellar, he came upon the Corpses of his Fellowes, rent entirely asunder. Additionally, he reported that the Private Parts of these unfortunate Men had been piled in the centre of the Cellar-floor ‘like so many Sausages in a Butcher’s shop’.

The Magistrate’s office have declined to comment on Details of the Incident, saying only that most of the Victims were indeed found in the Cellar, and that their Injuries appear to have been inflicted by an Animal, the Nature and Whereabouts of which can not be ascertained at present.

Should readers be interested in further particulars on this matter, and indeed regarding how I began this life of mayhem centuries ago, you are invited to read the first volume of my autobiography, now available as an ebook from Amazon: Night Music, part one in the series Memoirs of an Eighteenth-Century Werewolf. (Compatible with Kindle, Android, PC, Mac, iPad, iPhone).

Now on to the first readers’ questions.

Dear Lady Andronica,
I’m pretty new to werewolf life and I have an embarrassing problem! On nights when I know I’m going to change, I go to a nearby regional park forest. Before it gets dark, I walk a mile off-trail into the trees, hide my clothes in a plastic bag under some bushes, and do my thing. In the morning, when it’s time to go from wolf-lady back to human-lady, I can never find where I hid my clothes! All the bushes look the same, and I can’t find my stuff by smell because after a night doing werewolf stuff, my nose is tired and EVERYTHING smells like me, or like what I ate. If it wasn’t for the spare car key in my wheel well I would have some long cold naked walks back home. Do you have any tips on the best way to stash your clothes and then find them again?

Newbie’s Underpants Disappearance Emergency
Spokane Valley, WA

Dear NUDE,

Every werewolf has been in a similar situation at one time or another – I myself was once caught au naturale by the King of Prussia – so you’re in good company. There is no cause for embarrassment, however, since this ridiculous obsession with wearing clothes is a human hang-up. You need to liberate yourself from their petty puritanical practices! I can already hear readers’ objections that walking around naked is illegal in most jurisdictions, but so is eating people. If anyone ogles your textile-free state, just bite his head off. Problem solved.

That having been said, I do sympathise with your plight. Old inhibitions die hard, especially when you are new to lycanthropy. It must be tough on your budget as well, having to buy a new wardrobe every time you change. There is an obvious solution, however. Since you seem to find your car well enough, just keep an extra set of clothes under the seat. Alternatively, you could pick a more suitable venue when you go for a run. A nude beach, for example, where you’ll blend right in with the crowd. As an added bonus, if you get hungry, you can just chomp the nearest sunbather without having to worry about getting those pesky scraps of clothing stuck between your teeth.

Good luck learning to strut your stuff,

Lady Andronica,
I’ve heard that you don’t think very highly of male werewolves like myself. It is true that when transformed we can be a bit… uncouth… but I feel that you unfairly paint us all with the same brush. However, in my human life I have recently joined a recovery program, and that has made me more receptive to the possibility of self-improvement in general. What, in your esteemed opinion, are three things that any conscientious male werewolf could do to improve the overall perception of our gender?

Male Requesting Advice
Boston, MA

Dear clueless but well-meaning MRA,

In my experience, it’s highly unusual for male lycanthropes to acknowledge their abysmally low couth-quotient. Under normal circumstances, my advice would be to follow these three easy steps:

  1. Use mouthwash
  2. Have gender-reassignment surgery
  3. Hire a make-over stylist

In your case, however, there seems to be a genuine recognition that low standards of hygiene, aesthetically unappealing body-parts, and excessively long nose-hairs can be a real turn-off. I would therefore recommend the following (more effort but less radical than the steps outlined above):

  1. Watch your diet. Lycanthropic halitosis can be avoided by eating only fresh humans (no grave-robbing or ghoul-parties!), and by limiting yourself to those who themselves follow a garlic-free diet. Whenever possible, also avoid humans who have just consumed legumes. Nobody likes a flatulent werewolf.
  2. Keep your privates private. Most of us really don’t want to see your junk swinging in the wind, and sometimes we are even provoked into biting off the offending appendages (see newspaper clipping above). To avoid losing your effects in this manner, consider wearing a thong – with fur appliqués if necessary, in case you’re embarrassed. That rare female who finds you attractive will have fun removing it with her teeth.
  3. Pay attention to grooming. Too many male werewolves look like the Wild Man of Borneo. I’m not asking you to carry a hair-brush in your purse, but there are some effective techniques that can make all the difference. Keep your hair and nails neatly trimmed when in human form; then they won’t be so unruly after the change. If you are an excessively hairy human, consider electrolysis or Brazilian wax (ouch!) to thin out the follicles. Use dandruff shampoo on your whole body to keep the mange under control, and apply the strongest deodorant you can find to minimise that ‘wet dog’ bouquet.

None of this will turn you into a Glamour Werewolf. For that you have to hope that your next incarnation will be female. But at least you’ll be practising.

Best wishes for improved couthness,

The next instalment of Ask Andronica! will appear on 27 February 2014. Send in your questions now!