The Best Werewolf Shirts Out There: A Guide to Lycanthropic Fashion
by Mike Roukas
Sep. 18, 2009
So you’ve got a thing for wolves and you’ve got some Zoolander in your blood. But do you feel like the loser you are when you succumb to buying the latest nerdcore Hot Topic Worgen shirt? Do you feel like you have KICK ME, I’M A FUR-FAG written on your forehead when you rock your shitty “Team Jacob” Twilight-themed pawprint shirt around the mall foodcourt or local combat-breakdancing arena? Fear not – Roukas is here to help with this quick guide to some of the most unique, eye-catching lupine apparel out there. My only caveat is that you should do your own ebay checking in addition to the shirts featured here. Ebay listings fluctuate rapidly, and you never know when some obscure member will auction off the most awesomely retro holy grail of werewolf shirts, baseball caps, or whatever.
With that said and done, let’s move on to the goods!
Forget all those Spencer Gifts and TapOut shirts with pseudo-tough designs of tangled thorns, tribal tattoos, thunder, and wolves screaming and flipping out for no reason. Throughout my years of rocking the Adidas track jackets with boot-cut jeans, I’ve learned that simplicity is usually best. This werewolf shirt not only fits that criteria, but it also comes in a hoodie, a long-sleeve shirt, and even on a nifty messenger bag! I suggest ordering it half a size down; that way you can border on the sexy-beast emo thing without looking like you have a complex.
I’m no authority on women’s fashion, but I will say that this is practically the only shirt that would put me in the shoes of that ‘Jizzed in my Pants’ fellow if I saw a young lady wearing it (provided she wasn’t 300lbs or anything). Careful though — shirts like these are easy to wear wrong because the success of you manifesting your wolfy awesomeness is directly proportionate to your attitude. So the bottom line is that if you’re a 17 year-old female who gets moist whenever the weatherman says anything like “…in the mid to low 50’s by TWILIGHT tonight,” then I’d recommend passing on this shirt. However, if you’re a nanometer more mature than that, then you may be able to get away with sporting this baby on the train, at the mall, or on campus. For maximum style and aesthetic trail-blazing, I recommend pairing this up with one of those short-billed Fidel Castro caps you can get at The Gap.
Remember how I said that simplicity is usually best? Well, with this juxtaposed image of a werewolf with party balloons, that principle comes back into play with a sexy vengeance. It’s one thing to be a douche bag and wear shirt featuring a grinning wolf with a PARTY ANIMAL logo, but it’s quite another to rock something indirect and suggestive while bringing the lycanthropic factor to the forefront at the same time. I mean, the people who rock werewolf shirts are normally rolling dice and arguing over magic missiles, and the people who rock the Abercrombie shirts are normally out partying. This shirt bridges that seemingly unbridgeable gap. Few shirts wed nerdcore, beastly, and street-wise so well.
Sporting a good werewolf shirt is a delicate art. You can’t express your affiliation with all things lupine too strongly, otherwise people will avoid you at worst or roll their eyes at you at best. Therefore it’s often best to be retro and indirect when you’re preaching the lycanthropic gospel. This baby here can pass for a shirt that just about anyone would wear. Hey, on one level, it’s just a shirt with a werewolf on it as an advertising kicker. But therein lies its charm: the damn shirt is beastly-beautiful without it knowing that it’s beastly-beautiful, and the same can be true for you, its wearer. As usual, order half a size down and act nonchalant and a little surprised when people comment you on it.
This shirt not only obeys the simplicity rule, but it’s also Celtic and enigmatically beautiful as a misty nightfall on the dew-damp moors of some small British village I know nothing about. Like the Devil’s Breath Chile Company shirt, this baby is lycanthropicly indirect, although I’d recommend wearing it during your low-key moods or occasions. Few things are more literary and soul-stirring than a subtle Celtic art werewolf booking it across the plains with his corvine brethren behind him. Moreover, the people who comment you on this shirt will likely be the same people who are chilled and introspective enough to see shit like this. Rock this at study group or during late-night videogame sessions with friends as you sip an obscure wine or designer-beer.