When Something Weird Video released House on Bare Mountain on DVD in 2001 as part of a “Monster Nudie Double Feature” with 1964’s Kiss Me Quick! (which features Frankenstein’s Monster, Dracula, and the Mummy), it came with the following warning: “This program contains nudity and really bad jokes.” (Also included: an archival short subject entitled Werewolf Bongo Party, which doesn’t even have an IMDb entry, so it may as well not exist.) While I was expecting the nudity — and not to be aroused by it in the slightest — the “jokes” in Bare Mountain are truly atrocious, with most delivered by “Lovable Bob Cresse” in voice-over like he’s tossing off the most clever bon mots imaginable.
The Lovable One was also one of Bare Mountain‘s producers (credited as David Andrew) along with Wes Bishop, who likewise used a pseudonym (Wes Don) and was the film’s original director until he blew the entire budget on the first day of shooting and was replaced by Lee Frost (credited as R.L. Frost), who chalked up an extensive CV in the exploitation arena, culminating in taking the reins of AIP’s The Thing with Two Heads, starring Ray Milland, one decade later. How much calling the shots on House on Bare Mountain prepared him for directing an Academy Award winner in the twilight of his career is debatable, but Frost keeps things moving as best he can and gets enthusiastic performances out of most of the, uhh, performers. (To call them actors would be a stretch.)
The lead, for better or worse, is Cresse as Granny Good, who runs Granny Good’s School for Good Girls, who mostly demonstrate their goodness by doffing their clothing at every opportunity and letting the camera leer at their boobs and bare behinds. That, however, is not why Granny’s narrating the film from a jail cell. (“It’s a horrible, terrifying story,” she says, overstating the case to a large degree.) Rather, it’s the illegal still in her cellar, which is operated by her faithful handyman Krakow, that has Granny Good in dutch with the authorities, who are closing in on her operation right from the start.
As for Krakow, he’s the film’s resident Wolfman, who prowls around the grounds at night, peeking in at the scantily clad girls and howling at the moon. Played by the 7’3″ William Engesser (credited as Abe Greyhound), Krakow is such an imposing figure that Granny Good has to get up on a stepladder to dress him down, threatening him with expulsion from the safe harbor she offers. “You remember the outside world, huh, sweetheart? That’s right. Silver bullets, people chasing you all over the place, stakes in the heart. It was a real bad scene, wasn’t it, sweetheart?”
There’s a worse scene to come, though, when the action shifts to the school’s annual costume ball, which is attended by Frankenstein (played by “Percy Frankenstein”) and Dracula (played by “Doris Dracula”), both of whom spike the punch. In fact, everybody gets in on spiking the punch to such an extent that the end result is more spike than punch. There’s even a guy dressed up as the Wolfman who isn’t Krakow, for maximum confusion. Granny Good gets the surprise of her life, though, when she’s cornered by a representative of the UWA (United Werewolves of America) and detained for her exploitive labor practices. Sure, Cresse and Frost give her the last laugh — an inexplicable outcome on all fronts — but anybody expecting a rational ending to a film called House on Bare Mountain is barking up the wrong tree.